As you all know by now. Growing up I watched kids play other sports. Soccer, Basketball and Football being my most viewed. One of the major reasons I never took interest in these sports is because I always felt like I would injure myself permanently. I have an extreme phobia of loosing my legs and having to live the rest of my life in a wheel chair. This phobia was born when I was in the sixth grade. It was gym class and we were in the football sport unit. My team had lost so we were out of the tournament. Our coach had split the class into eight different teams of five. The type of football we were playing was called two hand touch. The two hand touch being an alternate version of tackling. During the game one of my best friends Nicholas lost his leg. Nicholas was playing the wide receiver position and as he caught the ball one of the opposing teams members tried to tackled him but slipped as Nicholas side stepped him, the boy then fell on Nicholas's left knee and it was completely dislocated out of place. Nicholas has been handicap ever since. After witnessing such a sight I realized that we are truly blessed to be able to walk with two feet everyday.
Many people that oppose boxing claim that the sport it filled with violence and injury. However, I have seen far more injuries occur in other sports than boxing. In fact I have been boxing for the last five years and I have not sustained any injuries at all. One of the reasons why I took up boxing is because I learned that it can give more confidence. Confidence that I needed because I had lost confidence playing soccer as a child. When I was about nine years old I actually liked soccer because it gave me the perfect chance to kick something. One day my life changed forever, as I was playing soccer with my friends and cousins, someone had tripped me and I fell flat on my face chipping both of my two front teeth very badly. Over the course of the next ten years I was subject to excruciatingly painful dentist appointments. I was so self conscious of the way I had looked I never smiled and many people in my family thought I had anger issues. I was so self conscious that I never even took any pictures. The only pictures I have from my childhood is my baby picture from when I was one years old. After I took up boxing I felt more confident in who I was as a person and I didn't really care about what people thought of me.
Many people all around the world love football. Americans especially love football, however this dearly beloved sport of many is one of the leading causes of concussions of our youth. Soccer being the second sport with the highest concussion cases. Both sports are played in high school. So why not allow for boxing?
Sources : Nanda, Anil, et al. "Sports-related concussions and the Louisiana Youth Concussion Act." The Journal of the Louisiana State Medical Society 164.5 (2012): 246+. Academic OneFile. Web. 21 Mar. 2013.
Topic Sentence: Good topic sentence. Made me want to read on since I love sports.
ReplyDeleteSupport: You supported your entire post very well. I was able to see your support through your stories and personal experiences.
Transitions: Your transitions were executed very well. I like how you went from everyone playing sports to your phobia of sports to how you got your phobia then into boxing and your main argument.
Grammar and Spelling: Your spelling was good but your grammar could use a little work. You had a lot of run on sentences. You also had a lot of sentences cut off mid-thought and a new sentence started. I would recommend maybe using commas.
Avoidance of "I think" and "I believe": Very well done. Didn't see any "I think" or "I believe."
Compliment: Overall it was a great post! You were able to keep me, the reader, interested and reading on.
Suggestion: Just work on the run on sentences and breaking up one thought into multiple sentences.